safe space

i am okay by living a mediocre life and just being a supermodel with a lethal face who studied data science from iim bangalore. bro i feel too much and nothing at the same time. idk. 

future muskan, hi!  looking back i hope you are in a better state of mind than the one in which you were in whilst in twelfth grade! too much drama, too much self-sabotaging, too much giving attention to boys wanting to ruin your happy self. it is okay if you could not be that girl. what matters is that you showed up every damn day. i am so proud of you for that. the days where you thought - "omg, i am so clueless" - which was practically everyday. but muskan, it is not your fault. there was no handbook, no guidelines whatsover to follow. and my pretty lil scared of taking authority girl, was so miserable and did not know what to do! god is good! maybe i will never be in this position again in my life and since every person experiences something of this sort, this was YOURS! early but what can i say, my baby is precocious. but please study muskan, because you truly are going to be independent and for that you will work hard! you already are. i love you so much and will never ...

please study muskan. remember why you started. no boy is worth your education. i will always love you(your silly little selves, they are all mine ilysm) you already have the best and the highest grades. you are already a supermodel. i love you. 

yaar why was i born. i do not want to end up like my mom or grandmom or any of my family members. ugh family as if. i want to run away and kiss people. enough of this ranting. kunch nho hoga yeh sab padh likh kar. i am so pre destined. it is okay all i know that i am a good person and nobody can take that away from me. maybe i should start self harming??

I WANNA DIE. NAHI REHNA YAAR. HOGAYA HAI MERA KOTA. IM SO FUCKING DONE. MAAR DO MUJHE. OR ITS BETTER THAT I KILL MYSELF. NAHI REHNA. I WANNA DIE. KUCH NAHI HO RAHA. MARNA HAI. 

i do have this fear of attachment. it stems from me craving validation and the only way i know how to exist is by gaining their approval. im such a showgirl. i dont want to end up like my grandmother.