safe space

like i just wanna run away, live in some countryside, be a supermodel and eat good food and dance with pretty boys but marry a woman and live with her and maybe raise kids, idk about that part.

welcome to the season where everyone hates you and guess whatt??? you hate yourself too!! ugh just feel like everyone has such high expectations from me and im just being so damn rude to everyone like i dont wanna but cant help it:))

hi so muskan tomorrow is officially twelfth grade after summer. it will be your last first day after summer break! so relish it. every moment of it. every interaction. be you. do not care about others(the teachers maybe) but you are THE SCHOOL CAPTAIN SO ACT LIKE ONE WALK LIEK ONE AND TALK LIKE ONE. behave as the girl you visualise harmonise and look up to. and please please be kind to everyone especially yourself. and about the best and the highest grades? you already have them. you always get the best and the highest grades so easily. and it is the last year of school so please study well you will never get these marks again so i know youw ill study because you have already topped with 98% in isc boards and secured a well-deserved seat at nlsiu bangalore. and yeah you took your first mock yesterday(you scored 40/120, but hey you had no prior practice, so well done) and yeah just study, work hard each and every day study accounts every day. be consistent. love you so much. 

lol i lost the portal to this blog. like when i typed 'a' the first link that came through was ashoka university lo. i am thinking about unis a lot and i am hell bent on law as of now. but i am also thinking of psychology and therapy and ca but idk law seems so societally appealing but omg 5 yrs and idk if i will even like the subject. i want to do psychology!!! but my mom is idk. i have told her already but she hasnt been to happy. and i am so damn hella confused because i have got school and stuff and idk!!!! but i am already a supermodel and have the best and the highest grades so woohoo.  but boys. omg. yall confuse me so much. boys yall will be the end of me. i never want to marry if i do i shall marry a girl and raise a hella girlboss. if that aint what i getiting i aint want nothing. boys scarre me. i dont like yall but i crave yalls validation haha. i think i am bi. i am so confused. i wanna do so much but nothing at the same. all i do is play penguin diner on my laptop...

i think about dying too often. like if i were to end my life sure, there would be people who would care. but, would i care about them caring for me? no. and i am sure that i will never find that typa love and it is okay i am not destined for it. i am destined for people to walk all over me and me standing there with a beguiling smiling face. and i will never be satisfied with myself. and omg muskan you have to come over hating yourself. i think it is tied to my daddy issues and that one girl somehow but idk muskan they do not govern you. i have been hating myself so much these days. it is unhealthy. but im just a teen. and i do. i really do want to make the best of these few days i  have. and i know i wont survive past twenty. and i hate it everyday here. the hope that the coming say will be even worse is accepted. you will never be the light muskan maybe the people pleaser one yeah never the badass and that's okay it is written in your you cant do anything but die as soon as possi...

as a little girl whenever my parents, or anyone else for that matter, scolded me or talked to me rudely, i just escaped into my little daydream being delusional about how i was a timid, helpless and a sensitive girl with no one of her own. alone and desperate. but then one fine day. a boy shows up and he rescues her. haha this is giving me goosebumps. but yeah that has still been my coping mechanism. but i am tired of it now.