safe space

i feel deeply, love foolishly, break quietly, and rebuild secretly

boys. oh boy.  yall have become an integral part of me and i want to write this piece for once and all and be done with you all and seek academic validation instead of male validation. males are ew. but that it is also a very narrow train of thought and i am not a narrow-minded person.  daksh. you will always have a part of me for traumatising me. making me cry, laugh, hating you but also wanting you. i still think of you in those lonely nights. just your call and our 3 hours. i could talk about anything. (not literally, not without feeling judged or understood) but you gave me such good info! i really liked you and i hope you do well in life. idk whether all that shit-talk oyu did was actually true or you were just victimising yourself. some part might be true. if it is not then you are a damn good liar, manipulator, cheat, gaslighter. take less stress for those white hairs. treat people nicely maybe it all stems from your family issues, but i hope you find your girl and trea...

um so basically the thought that her been stopping me from studying is that people who study well/ toppers never actually excel in life later on.  but right now is what I have so it's okay i think i should definitely study and enjoy it. because it is one thing they can't take away from me. also I am totally not becoming dumber day by day. I wanna do so much but nothing at the same time. It scares me so much you know. i am a very fearful person. in the sense that i fear stuff not people fearing me lol the people pleaser in me would crawl and die. and i am seventeen!! such a pretty age.  my phone is an addiction. a very unhealthy one. bye. 

i refuse to be a person who wishes so badly for change and then lacks the actions to prove that desire. even though i'm feeling so overwhelmed with the amount of changes occurring and the amount of things i have to do in such a short span of time i will not sacrifice anything i consider a priority. i will adapt to the situations and give my 100% to each and every challenge because back is where the opportunity for growth lies, and as my bestie charles darwin once said "it is not the strongest of the species that survives nor the most intelligent it is the one that is most adaptable to change." 

aahhh just writing because this feeling is so rare especially nowadays but i wanna be a trophy wife and a high society lady. swarming with elegance and beauty and precision. powerful and sustaining it with my grace. ahhh. 

hey! so im currently listening to ophelia by taylor swift. it is so good. the album is such a bop. it is truly true that you never like the album on the first listen lest understand its essence.  and i have come to a conclusion. that i will always be like this. unsure, unnoticed, sad, depressed melancholic (there is beauty in that too!), belittled, always a follower and never a leader(but hey, i do not mind that too!). my friends compliment me but it hurts. strange how i always craved it but now even though it secretly validates me but then i think that is only the people-pleasing side of me.  like i have lost the ability to cry, my favourite thing to do!!! its like no matter how depressing the situation is i am of the opinion that is forebode and i am destined for them. i think i am turning into my grandpa as well. ugh i hate writing bad stuff about people. but they truly do not mean anything to me even though they must love me so much. idk if that is true. it must be. if i a...