safe space

My mom gets mad at me when I don’t say anything but she cuts me off and gets mad at me when I do say something.  How can you undo this kind of damage if you can’t afford therapy? How can you heal your mind after it’s been altered so much from living like a prey animal? I’m trying so hard to be functional. My parents have mellowed me out.  I have lost the ability to cry unless I’m truly overwhelmed or upset, there are times where i so desperately want to cry but I longer can There are so many things that I think I should be feeling, but I never do. My best friend could be crying, something terrible could happen to them, but I won't feel anything. No guilt. No empathy. No kindness. It's gotten to the point where I study people in real life, people in movies, people everywhere just so I can fake emotions. All because I was told early on in my life that "feelings don't matter. Only mine do", "keep crying and I'll give you a fucking reason to cry about" T

I think Jo never loved Laurie. They were friends, he loved her, she didn't. Jo always said she didn't want to be a wife but I think it's because she was scared and insecure about it. As she grows she starts to think no one will ever love her and she truly will never be a wife and then decides to write the letter to Laurie, cuz at least he loves her right? But she doesn't love him, not that way. She was just scared of being alone forever. Amy and Laurie are a lovely couple. I truly believe Laurie and Jo were platonic soulmates whereas Amy and Laurie are romantic soulmates When Jo writes her love letter to Laurie she says “My dear Teddy, I miss you more than I can express. I used to think that the worst fate was to be a wife, I was young and stupid. But now I have changed. The worst fate is to live my life without you in it.” I think Jo finds it hard to express her feelings without going against her beliefs/ideas about what women should and shouldn’t be in the world. Like

dying young is underrated 

Hi. It's 11:49 pm currently. There something weirdly satisfying about time when it's odd. Haha pun was so not intended. I just had this intense desire to write, write something on paper, but it was tarnished by my relinquishing overthinking and my anxiety. That would feel good though. Anyways this newfound desire to write feel so seclusive. But I know it's for the better. And I am glad you took this step.  You're precocious babe. You are. You weren't always but circumstances made you. And I'll forever be grateful for them.  You sister is a futile teenager. Don't let her words get to you, or for that matter, anyone's thoughts ( your own thoughts)about you get to you. You know what's the thought that had been hovering over this sixteen year old girl's mind—that she'll never be able to sustain success. If she continues her posture, her attitude, the people whom she surrounds herself with and especially if she doesn't learn to control her tho

sixteen, you better be sweet. 

i am a student at yale university.