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RULES FOR MUSKAN'S FAKE SELF AND PRIVATE SELF(i love her)

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Say this (even silently): “I am pretending to survive, not pretending because I am fake.”   Rules for the mask: Be pleasant, not ecstatic Be polite, not emotionally available Be functional, not vulnerable You don’t need to: overshare joke excessively perform giddiness   Goal: avoid conflict, conserve energy. Rules for the real self: You must have at least one private outlet where you don’t pretend: writing chatgpt night-dreaming 
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growing in circles is such a huge part of growing up truly. 
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this year was the worst year of my life. but hey i have still got 17 days left but i do not intend to make it better. let it be. i hate my friends so much. and i miss daksh so much. i hate my friends but act all giddy around them and love daksh but pretend to be stern with him. bu they daksh hurt me. even though he has his own family issues he should not impose that on other people. my heart goes out to him i empathise with him and i yearn for him. yearn for our talks. no matter how much he gaslighted me i enjoyed it. but i hope he never makes contact ever again. and i should turn into a lesbian or asexual. idk. because men ew no. i hate how my dad treats my mom. i cannot bear someone treating me like that. my mom should leave him. even though he was caught in infidelity, he has not changed. i still remember that morning where my mum was crying and all family was there except my sister. oh gosh. but worse stuff happen to women outside too. but good stuff too. my only goal in life will ...
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dear daksh, thank you for reminding me again how you are and will always be. my little petty heart will fall for anybody bu tysm! i hate you. you're like my dad in few ways. i think it is the same thing with all men. i hate them all. i hope i can do enough in life to live without them. yes that will be my goal 
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MUSKAN PLEASE REMEMBER WHAT MOM TOLD YOU TODAY EXACTLY AT 10:26a.m., MOMENTS BEFORE YOUR CLAT EXAM AND TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF. I WILL LITERALLY COMMIT SU*CIDE IF I DO NOT DO IT.  BYE. 
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i hate my family so much. so now let us get to the point. if you want to escape this which you have to unless you are killing yourself, so you have to study and study well. and i do not see you doing that for tomorrow's exam. ugh i am again diverting from what i wanted to write.  PLEASE STOP FALLING BACK TO YOUR UNHEALTHY HABITS AFTER YOUR EXAMS. PLS DONT. IT IS RUINING YOU MUSKAN. IT IS RUINING YOUR SENSE OF SELF. AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT. THOSE ARE SUCH BAD HABITS I AM UTTERLY REPELLED TO NAME THEM TOO.  but if you take one day at a time you will prevail. and you always get the best and the highest grades and you already have them. so get back to studying because you are a successful supermodel.  edit: also please remember what your mom told you today so, take it upon yourself and prove her wrong.  omg i have never been like this. 
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this lil place makes me feel so much! and i am so grateful for myself to have created this space for me. i am trying to be more present and write down my thoughts as they occur. in small sentences.  but i opened my blog today because i am angry and disappointed in you muskan. you had two frickin' days to prepare for your eco exam but you did not. and you are cramming at 6:52 pm. i feel i am wasting my time writing this, but hey! you've already wasted so much. but no get back to studying because studying will get you places. people-pleasing will only deteriorate your health. i always get the best and the highest grades in each and every exam that i write. and so will i tomorrow. i already have the best and the highest grades in all the exams. i even got into iim bangalore ug data science course and am thriving over there. i love life. 
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