safe space

I am just a little girl with a big heart and the reason I don't have an Instagram account is because I am such an insecure bitch that I'll fucking compare myself to my picture perfect Instagram friends and become miserable. But today I did it. From my finsta (fake insta) I stalked people and ugh it hurts. I think it feeds my ego and makes me feel so less validated that I go to the extent of not eating and exercising again. It's unhealthy I know it. And I am not even able to write in proper English words. What the fuck. Those girls are posting so many pretty pictures of themselves and hear I am getting scolded by my father for putting the wrong number in the calculator. Ugh. I don't even go out of the house. And my ass is so small. And why can't I do anything. I am so frustrated and I need to sleep. How do they look so good without even a fucking pimple on their face and no dark circles. Saw such a good post today about mediocrity and it was so me. Like. I have to st

bitch read more books, move your body, look pretty, grow tall and talk smart. and reduce your fucking screen time. 

so I have decided to write a bit every day to make something productive of these few days I have vacant. So today I took the classic internet dive and compared myself to peers even though I shouldn't like I know I am so fucking cool but still I should really be stern and stop opening snaps and be well read and it nicely and look good and talk eloquently eat a bit but well and speak well and have good vocabulary like there is always so much to improve and I know when I do I will be the most unstoppable fierceable force they have ever seen I would like to write too. And exercise and move my fucking body and drink a lot of fresh water and reduce my fucking screen time and feel genuinely good about my fucking self.  there is so much to do is this whole wide world, so much to explore, so many people to meet and be happy and ugh so much to do. i am so full. 

over the years i have curated so many sites where i write about me and my silly life problems. but it think now my family issues have started to affect me too.  starting from the beginning at a very tender age i started having daddy issues they were bad fucked with my mental health and laid the basis then fast forward to all petty family gossips they were bad too i was little and molded it in idk what i am writing at this point then mommy issues oh my god do not get me started she ahs issues i guess and then her shouting is too much moreover my dad and grandma too started bitching about her which i fear does not changer my perspective also i think we are like not that good in the monetary side right now(my grandma kind of gave me a satire and my mother shushed me off soo) idk that is what i am hearing and also trying my best to lower efficiency cost. also my board exams just ended so i am trying not be a fatass. also like i feel in general all families are pretty much fucked up some ar