safe space

bitch read more books, move your body, look pretty, grow tall and talk smart. and reduce your fucking screen time. 

so I have decided to write a bit every day to make something productive of these few days I have vacant. So today I took the classic internet dive and compared myself to peers even though I shouldn't like I know I am so fucking cool but still I should really be stern and stop opening snaps and be well read and it nicely and look good and talk eloquently eat a bit but well and speak well and have good vocabulary like there is always so much to improve and I know when I do I will be the most unstoppable fierceable force they have ever seen I would like to write too. And exercise and move my fucking body and drink a lot of fresh water and reduce my fucking screen time and feel genuinely good about my fucking self.  there is so much to do is this whole wide world, so much to explore, so many people to meet and be happy and ugh so much to do. i am so full. 

over the years i have curated so many sites where i write about me and my silly life problems. but it think now my family issues have started to affect me too.  starting from the beginning at a very tender age i started having daddy issues they were bad fucked with my mental health and laid the basis then fast forward to all petty family gossips they were bad too i was little and molded it in idk what i am writing at this point then mommy issues oh my god do not get me started she ahs issues i guess and then her shouting is too much moreover my dad and grandma too started bitching about her which i fear does not changer my perspective also i think we are like not that good in the monetary side right now(my grandma kind of gave me a satire and my mother shushed me off soo) idk that is what i am hearing and also trying my best to lower efficiency cost. also my board exams just ended so i am trying not be a fatass. also like i feel in general all families are pretty much fucked up some ar

can we talk about how hard it fucking hurts like last night i could not sleep and was having a non-stop crying session like that movie broke me and oh hi i am officially no longer a tenth grader i guess? because like my boards are over and i just feel so empty. i miss everyone i want to tell them how sorry i am to all the boys who were kind (but in the end creepy too) all my girlies and my teachers god i cannot comprehend the fact that i will never be studying physics. i love physics. even though i like do not score well but still. i enjoyed it. ugh chemistry too. i love love love chemistry. i will miss hindi. it was such a pleasing subject. and all the grudges i have unknowingly held i am so sorry to all those i might never see them again but i hope you know that you were a part of something that gave me immense joy and made me aware that i had seasonal depression. i will try to be good girl from now onwards. not for them. but for me. 

falling victim to my fucking mobile phone and other addictions has made me so....futile and utterly disgusting. i never wanted a phone anyways it was my mother who taught it would be a good idea. well mother i now  waste my time doom-scrolling and playing crappy games.  studying should be a religion for me. it was. it is.  i love studying. i could make a living out of it. i could. i know i could.  learning and testing my ability is what enlightens my soul and i love it. i never want to forget being who i was or what i was.  because i am just so perfect. 

what the actual fuck i think this has been the perfect time to ever write something, especially as a teenager because damn i am not feeling myself these days and i am not liking the person to whom i am evolving too, too much excessive eating, too much time on social media oh and my new phone i think that my new is phone is the root of all my miseries. it is true. all of the essays i have written till date have been leading me up to this. yes. and to study ughhh i just cannot i do not know why. i have four days left and i will be back and writing about all of them but i hope i do not survive. i do not know what i am writing at this point, to probably cringe at this stuff later and puke but it is okay just remember the feeling of warmth and love in his arms:))