i am in love. i told him about my daddy issues, well not all but parts of it. kinda sucks that i do not have male friends here. i just do not feel like myself lately. but this has been me since the past four years. does it really get so bad. people have told me about it and rightly so. he cries for me in agood way mostly ig, emailed his prof that he has to go see his gf, got cute stuff for me, says he loves me the most. but idk what to do/say. i have just been so blurred mind. ashoka is making me feel so incompetent. menon was right in class - be careful what you wish for. did i not wish/ worked my ass off to be here? just to feel like shit at the end of every day? i think my seasonal depression is back. i wanna be like these cool girls. tall and skinny and pretty. i need to eat healthy. ugh think about the long term effects muskan. i just love ani so much. i feel so safe with him. and loved. i love my family do not get me wrong. but i do not wanna be dumb. i used to think o...
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writing after two months. and a heckling one, hehe omg muskan you are FINALLY AT ASHOKA!! the uni you dreamt of, prayed for and cried about. and lol you are crying here as well but that it totally normal. you would suffer anywhere becuase of your imposter syndrome, your underconfidence, your moodines and just becuase of you babe. i wanna learn acting, and pursue modelling. and that requires AUDACITY, which i have developed in such a way that i can sustain it. I have make a mask where i can hide and slowly with time almost flush my underconfident self. i speak more eloquently and make sense of what i am speaking. i want to stop being so damn tired all the time. i literally never fall sick or get cold or fever or anything. i make friends so easily and talk to all people. BUT UGH MUSKAN PLS STOP OVERSHARING AND DO NOT TRUST PPL AND ALSO DONT SPEAK SO MUCH, I KNOW YOU DONT AND WILL NOT. i have so many guy friends and they are all so smart and they like me. i am the president of the ai...
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dear daksh, i am starting this new series named 'dear dakh' entries where i will be addressing my daily life and its affairs. i do not want it to be mechanical oh lord. and this i am doing it inspired by myself, actually. reading through my old journals reminds me of how naive and good i was. and i wanna be her so bad. i could fall asleep to my writing. contrary to what i wrote in my first stanza, i want to state that i might not write about my everyday life. i will just write something for the sake of writing. cause writing is fun and i want to pursue it. speaking of writing, reading, i wanna get back to reading so damn bad!!!!! ugh i literally cannot get myself to read anything. from lusty wattpad to yuval's literature. i just cannot. but i desperately want to. because reading keeps me sane. daksh i have been thinking about you during my vulnerable episodes. not too late before you are replaced by someone else lol(no negative energy lol). also why am i so damn ...
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dear daksh, why do boys have such an implausible hold on me? i presume that it is because of my age. and it should be! but i am not afraid of it. i accept it. it is fine. but the only thing is that i have to keep learning from my past mistakes. cause what are past mistakes? they are just new information. especially i do not want to repeat it in university. in university, i am the girl that everyone admires and looks up to. i love being occupied and i always top the dean's list in every semester. ashoka university, my university has also been so generous to provide me with 100% scholarship. i am so happy. and grateful. and that is why i am going to set healthy habits for me now onwards. after 4 my schedule is fix. before that i have to curate something. alright byee! i am a supermodel and always get the best and the highest grades.
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i feel so ashamed and embarrassed. like am i the ashokan fit? oh so i did get in to ashoka. want it to feel like a fever dream but it doesn't. just makes me feel unworthy and doubt my abilities if i would be able to fit in with those cool kids. lololol. um i really want to feel ok but my indecision making capabilities are getting the better of me.
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okay so um just gotta write this down. you know when i was young and during fathers day we used to make cards for our dads at schools and you know what i would do? i would come home and hide them beneath the black paper in my drawer so that my mom wouldnt find it and scold me to give it to him. ugh i have such bad daddy issues. but it is his fault. i just want a guy to love me, hug me. i just want to know that i am worthy of love. i do not want to keep hating men. i do not. i am tired of fighting. i was in fucking fourth grade. all those scars. fuck. i do not know what i will do with my life. i saw a man in a train journaling a month ago. is family merely blood. my dad said that i was a fucking mistake and wanted to cut my legs. maybe in a jokingly way. but fuck. i romanticise that i maybe have an instagram singing account and i go viral with my own written sad traumatic poems that i beautifully sing. and a guy falls in love with me. but i know that i am not so despera...
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dear diary, hi. so um i wen tout with my friends today and even though i never almost enjoy it atleast i get out of house so it is a win-win. um i think i will never have that kind of fun life, be that fun person, have a good bf, so gear up for a story which i will write. so rishi and me started dating. he is so cute and respectful and i love him. me, him, mahee and her bf go on double dates and oh boy, i love us! i feel like i am the one who makes and the plans and the life of the group and it feels good to be that, because i have never been that. me and rishi went on a beach walk today. i like him. i feel protected and safe. he said that i am a wasted potential. idk if i agree or disagree with him. anirudh has shown his true colours. i am not going to talk to him and starve myself. i have to start working out. i think i will always just be another girl on the subway. the one who is giggling but so damn lonely. ugh cant blame them too can i?