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dear diary, hi. so um i wen tout with my friends today and even though i never almost enjoy it atleast i get out of house so it is a win-win.  um i think i will never have that kind of fun life, be that fun person, have a good bf, so gear up for a story which i will write. so rishi and me started dating. he is so cute and respectful and i love him. me, him, mahee and her bf go on double dates and oh boy, i love us! i feel like i am the one who makes and the plans and the life of the group and it feels good to be that, because i have never been that. me and rishi went on a beach walk today. i like him. i feel protected and safe. he said that i am a wasted potential. idk if i agree or disagree with him. anirudh has shown his true colours. i am not going to talk to him and starve myself. i have to start working out.  i think i will always just be another girl on the subway. the one who is giggling but so damn lonely. ugh cant blame them too can i?  
um hi. so my boards are going on currently but i think this is the kinda the right time to write something. i want to talk to someone really bad. i feel so low. i heard this saying by alysa liu she said that she is connected to people but not attached and i want to be like that too. um it is okay i fucked up today's paper ugh okay um but like also how much will we struggle when we go out and actually search for jobs and like MARKS WILL NOT FUCKING MATTER lol. 
anirudh i hate what you are doing to me. i have my boards in less than a week and i already have the best and the highest grades. i scored ninety-eight percent in my class 12 ISC board examinations woohoo. 
ah for the first time in my life I felt proud of my dad today! and maybe the last. i hope so. because i despise men. but i wanna change my attitude also why is my class teacher such a b-word? 
daksh, hey. umm i have got 10 days left in this year well a week exactly before i leave and i want to make the very most of it. today i went down an internet rabbit-hole and stalked your dad. hm. he has might i say, quite a few cases on him or something like that. i hope you are doing okay saw that you changed your whatsapp dp, well kept a new one. andd so yeah you must be doing well only. what about me? well i gotta study and not get distracted especially by you which i do not but when i do, you eat me up. i am tryna hold back the power. i am tryna act very well and i think i am doing a pretty decent job. okay bye i shall go and study accounts now. 

RULES FOR MUSKAN'S FAKE SELF AND PRIVATE SELF(i love her)

Say this (even silently): “I am pretending to survive, not pretending because I am fake.”   Rules for the mask: Be pleasant, not ecstatic Be polite, not emotionally available Be functional, not vulnerable You don’t need to: overshare joke excessively perform giddiness   Goal: avoid conflict, conserve energy. Rules for the real self: You must have at least one private outlet where you don’t pretend: writing chatgpt night-dreaming 
growing in circles is such a huge part of growing up truly.