twelfth february '23

over the years i have curated so many sites where i write about me and my silly life problems.

but it think now my family issues have started to affect me too. 

starting from the beginning at a very tender age i started having daddy issues they were bad fucked with my mental health and laid the basis then fast forward to all petty family gossips they were bad too i was little and molded it in idk what i am writing at this point then mommy issues oh my god do not get me started she ahs issues i guess and then her shouting is too much moreover my dad and grandma too started bitching about her which i fear does not changer my perspective also i think we are like not that good in the monetary side right now(my grandma kind of gave me a satire and my mother shushed me off soo) idk that is what i am hearing and also trying my best to lower efficiency cost. also my board exams just ended so i am trying not be a fatass. also like i feel in general all families are pretty much fucked up some are better at hiding it than others. that is why i have also gradually stopped comparing myself to other pretty girls like yeah they may have the money but everybody has problems. i think this is where karma plays a key role too. 

i love expensive things. cool houses that are almost mansions or even flats so tastefully decorated with swings and a lawn and air conditioners you could have on 24/7, cool kitchens and a huge living room with a clandestine, and bedrooms!. huge aesthetic bedrooms. ugh. i do have a taste. i cannot deny it. i love buying clothes. though i stick to wearing only my regular ones i still love it. i know i should care about the planet i do! but in other ways. i know this girl whom i have never seen repeating a single fucking outfit. like while hanging out, social media, parties or whatever she always has a beautiful cool top for every fucking occasion because she has the money and her mom favors it too i guess(i maybe wrong but that is what i think and i want to stop thinking like this like it makes me so fucking insecure). and that is why i want clothes. like i have clothes and outfits but i feel like i always have to repeat the same on occasion even my friends pointed out this once but it is fine because i am not gonna know them when i am on my death bed. but i really want more clothes. like i study so hard and am such a good girl and all i ask my mom is for clothes like i have no other interests i don't like wearing watches or like playing video games or like whatever i just love clothes but also like the fashion these days is good and like everything is pretty much in fashion but places where i buy clothes or at least in my tom sell outrageous and horrendous clothes which are ew. my mom i think is starting to go a i should not say but a bit mad maybe i am so so sorry i should not be saying this but this is what i feel. 

right now my dad and grandma are talking about family issues and i am hearing it is bad. it is a sunday. tomorrow i am gonna go to school. whatever i think i have ranted (is that even a word??) enough and i feel good and i am sorry but i needed it and i am gonna go and try to live my best life.