i keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments i live in. in the soreness of my legs from standing so long at a concert, the chill of the night, the patterns of a tablecloth, the oily texture in my mouth after eating junk. i keep trying to memorize the feelings, the quiet contentedness, the laughter, the excitement, i keep trying to memorize the people, their smiles, the way they speak, what makes them laugh. i am constantly on the cusp of the next part of my life and that's just so.. strange. but it makes it so much easier to find happiness no matter what's happening to me, in a way? because i am already kinda looking at life with those rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, simply because i know these are time i'll never be able to live again, and these are people i might not always have, and that makes it so much easier to appreciate everything i might miss later.
this year was the worst year of my life. but hey i have still got 17 days left but i do not intend to make it better. let it be. i hate my friends so much. and i miss daksh so much. i hate my friends but act all giddy around them and love daksh but pretend to be stern with him. bu they daksh hurt me. even though he has his own family issues he should not impose that on other people. my heart goes out to him i empathise with him and i yearn for him. yearn for our talks. no matter how much he gaslighted me i enjoyed it. but i hope he never makes contact ever again. and i should turn into a lesbian or asexual. idk. because men ew no. i hate how my dad treats my mom. i cannot bear someone treating me like that. my mom should leave him. even though he was caught in infidelity, he has not changed. i still remember that morning where my mum was crying and all family was there except my sister. oh gosh. but worse stuff happen to women outside too. but good stuff too. my only goal in life will ...
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