i keep trying to memorize every detail of the moments i live in. in the soreness of my legs from standing so long at a concert, the chill of the night, the patterns of a tablecloth, the oily texture in my mouth after eating junk. i keep trying to memorize the feelings, the quiet contentedness, the laughter, the excitement, i keep trying to memorize the people, their smiles, the way they speak, what makes them laugh. i am constantly on the cusp of the next part of my life and that's just so.. strange. but it makes it so much easier to find happiness no matter what's happening to me, in a way? because i am already kinda looking at life with those rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, simply because i know these are time i'll never be able to live again, and these are people i might not always have, and that makes it so much easier to appreciate everything i might miss later.
i think about dying too often. like if i were to end my life sure, there would be people who would care. but, would i care about them caring for me? no. and i am sure that i will never find that typa love and it is okay i am not destined for it. i am destined for people to walk all over me and me standing there with a beguiling smiling face. and i will never be satisfied with myself. and omg muskan you have to come over hating yourself. i think it is tied to my daddy issues and that one girl somehow but idk muskan they do not govern you. i have been hating myself so much these days. it is unhealthy. but im just a teen. and i do. i really do want to make the best of these few days i have. and i know i wont survive past twenty. and i hate it everyday here. the hope that the coming say will be even worse is accepted. you will never be the light muskan maybe the people pleaser one yeah never the badass and that's okay it is written in your you cant do anything but die as soon as possi...
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