power to me is an illusion. it's not real. it's sort of imaginary and it can feel real when everyone is treating a powerful person in a certain type of way, it can feel like 'yeah this person is really powerful, and every person around them is behaving as so' therefore it is real. but power could go away tomorrow and that person will be left with nothing. whereas doing good things and putting goodwill out there in the world goes beyond power to me. because that's how you build community. that's how you attract people who will always have your back, that's how you create genuine relationships and friendships, and that's how you make the world a better place. so I would rather have people admire me for my good deeds rather than respect me for my power. sue me.
i think about dying too often. like if i were to end my life sure, there would be people who would care. but, would i care about them caring for me? no. and i am sure that i will never find that typa love and it is okay i am not destined for it. i am destined for people to walk all over me and me standing there with a beguiling smiling face. and i will never be satisfied with myself. and omg muskan you have to come over hating yourself. i think it is tied to my daddy issues and that one girl somehow but idk muskan they do not govern you. i have been hating myself so much these days. it is unhealthy. but im just a teen. and i do. i really do want to make the best of these few days i have. and i know i wont survive past twenty. and i hate it everyday here. the hope that the coming say will be even worse is accepted. you will never be the light muskan maybe the people pleaser one yeah never the badass and that's okay it is written in your you cant do anything but die as soon as possi...
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