heyyy bitch

so eleventh grade has been so so terrible and idk what to expect.

I feel like I am losing the old me, losing her charm, her zeal for life?

I mean I was pretty depressed back then too but now it's showing and it's sad. 

But it's okay.

Everybody who goes up has to eventually come down. sooner or later. 

And for me it has always been sooner.

I can never even fully enjoy the happiness in the moment because i am so ruled over by my imposter syndrome.

As soon as something nice happens, I always feel like I dont deserve it. Which is so so sad.

But you know what we are done with self-pity.

But what else do I have left, my obsessive, compulsive, pathological day dreams?

They are fucking unhealthy for you muskan.

So fucking unhealthy.

And all these people in your life are also horrible. 

Mom, dad, oh got don't get me started on daddy issues, hurts me so much, i don't wanna be like my dad l, I am not my dad, I am not.  

I hate to say this and I won't because then I'll start contemplating wheather I am a bad person or not, which I am not. I really like to think so that I am not. 

Stop people pleasing muskan pls. 

Just be happy 

Fake it till you make it 

And have a good cry session maybe, maybe it'll help you. Don't take what anyone says to heart. Because if they don't matter their opinions should also not. Just keep living your awesome life and let them be in awe of it. But treat people with kindness. Be kind and don't care about people like them. Because they are trash. Maybe these two years will not what you wanted then to be but it's okay not everything's supposed to happen the way you want it. It's not. That would be absurd. I'll say love your hair too. But it's too much. All of it. The heaviness I'm my chest, the warm feeling of blood rushing, makes me so fucking sad. And don't fucking care about what others people think about you because your fear of looking stupid is holding you back. 

Maybe I'm made for this, you know

This eternal suffering, eternal misery. 

I am not made for happiness.

Just maybe some glimpses of it otherwise I might end all of this. Wouldn't i? 

It would be so peaceful. So happy and bright. Maybe, maybe not. I just want to cry and stop all of this. 

Go on a fucking dream vacation. 

But girl you have to study. Please study. 

I think that's your only way out of all this 

Life won't be sunshine then too.

It might go downhill, idk.

I don't wanna know 

But I know that I want to study

Whatever people say let them say.  

Let them

Omg the mantra I have been looking for LET THEM LET FUCKING THEM LET THEM WOW YAY MUSKAN