safe space

i hate my family so much. so now let us get to the point. if you want to escape this which you have to unless you are killing yourself, so you have to study and study well. and i do not see you doing that for tomorrow's exam. ugh i am again diverting from what i wanted to write.  PLEASE STOP FALLING BACK TO YOUR UNHEALTHY HABITS AFTER YOUR EXAMS. PLS DONT. IT IS RUINING YOU MUSKAN. IT IS RUINING YOUR SENSE OF SELF. AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT. THOSE ARE SUCH BAD HABITS I WILL UTTERLY REPELLED TO NAME THEM TOO.  but if you take one day at a time you will prevail. and you always get the best and the highest grades and you already have them. so get back to studying because you are a successful supermodel. 

this lil place makes me feel so much! and i am so grateful for myself to have created this space for me. i am trying to be more present and write down my thoughts as they occur. in small sentences.  but i opened my blog today because i am angry and disappointed in you muskan. you had two frickin' days to prepare for your eco exam but you did not. and you are cramming at 6:52 pm. i feel i am wasting my time writing this, but hey! you've already wasted so much. but no get back to studying because studying will get you places. people-pleasing will only deteriorate your health. i always get the best and the highest grades in each and every exam that i write. and so will i tomorrow. i already have the best and the highest grades in all the exams. i even got into iim bangalore ug data science course and am thriving over there. i love life. 

dear daksh, how are you? i miss you sm. why is it that i always think of you in situations like these. maybe because i wasn't as open and as vulnerable i was with you than anyone else. and you took advantage of it. i heard you are in hyderabad. you are very unhealthy for me and that is why i will never ever speak to you again. i am becoming prettier day by day. today school was shitty and the boys made me cry haha. i wish you were there tho. i want you to be only mine. if you only cared about me, were obsessed with me, showed your care, were a good person, your wealth would just be an added bonus! i would've loved those longggg rides ahhh. i would've lied to my mom for you. kiss you. make out. just cause we are young. even though you have white hair. but i would never marry you. cause your genes. no. i hate that that i cannot get myself to hate you let alone anyone.  you made me feel special and small at the same time. i hate that i miss you, even when i swear i don’t. ...

i feel deeply, love foolishly, break quietly, and rebuild secretly

boys. oh boy.  yall have become an integral part of me and i want to write this piece for once and all and be done with you all and seek academic validation instead of male validation. males are ew. but that it is also a very narrow train of thought and i am not a narrow-minded person.  daksh. you will always have a part of me for traumatising me. making me cry, laugh, hating you but also wanting you. i still think of you in those lonely nights. just your call and our 3 hours. i could talk about anything. (not literally, not without feeling judged or understood) but you gave me such good info! i really liked you and i hope you do well in life. idk whether all that shit-talk oyu did was actually true or you were just victimising yourself. some part might be true. if it is not then you are a damn good liar, manipulator, cheat, gaslighter. take less stress for those white hairs. treat people nicely maybe it all stems from your family issues, but i hope you find your girl and trea...

um so basically the thought that her been stopping me from studying is that people who study well/ toppers never actually excel in life later on.  but right now is what I have so it's okay i think i should definitely study and enjoy it. because it is one thing they can't take away from me. also I am totally not becoming dumber day by day. I wanna do so much but nothing at the same time. It scares me so much you know. i am a very fearful person. in the sense that i fear stuff not people fearing me lol the people pleaser in me would crawl and die. and i am seventeen!! such a pretty age.  my phone is an addiction. a very unhealthy one. bye.