to all the boys i've know/cared/loved/thought of

boys. oh boy. 

yall have become an integral part of me and i want to write this piece for once and all and be done with you all and seek academic validation instead of male validation. males are ew. but that it is also a very narrow train of thought and i am not a narrow-minded person. 

daksh. you will always have a part of me for traumatising me. making me cry, laugh, hating you but also wanting you. i still think of you in those lonely nights. just your call and our 3 hours. i could talk about anything. (not literally, not without feeling judged or understood) but you gave me such good info! i really liked you and i hope you do well in life. idk whether all that shit-talk oyu did was actually true or you were just victimising yourself. some part might be true. if it is not then you are a damn good liar, manipulator, cheat, gaslighter. take less stress for those white hairs. treat people nicely maybe it all stems from your family issues, but i hope you find your girl and treat her damn well. you are such a good driver, i really enjoyed that ride, but your snitching and other stuff hurts your loved ones(if you actually consider them) a lot. i will miss you and forever want you back but that is unhealthy for me so i gotta say bye. i know that you might try to make contact with me again, but i will give you the silent treatment and ignore you. because that is who i am. i cannot fight, i do not want to. you have darn good connections and o hope you fulfill all your dreams of opening an ngo all across india, and maybe just then i will be the one, when everyone walks out, still clapping. 

rishiii. ahhh. i have not seen you in so long. the last time i saw you was in fusion fiesta 2024. i hope you are not fat now. (i gotta start eating less too!) i will always love love you. you will always be in my heart. always. if i see you somewhere, i am sure to get butterflies in my stomach. you are the only boy who has been able to do that to me yet. (also beena ma'am is so pretty, i love her and wish her the best, she is a sweet soul). i do not think you would make a good husband. nevertheless i would like to marry you. maybe a good dad. you would be a damn sexy nerdy doctor. i would love that for me. but pls dont grow ugly. i can do so much better than you but you will always have my heart. ily. 

eviyaan. i have started to realise that you might be cute. but your other habits make you so unattractive. eg- selling personal info online(maybe??), gambling, and other boy stuff. you are a good student. you have a strict mom and an absent father. ig i enjoyed talking with you during our 10th summer vacation but what you did to me by telling other people about me was not done. i think i kinda blame myslef for that. do well in life, you will be a much better dad than yours i am sure of that. you will pursue upsc maybe idk. i wish to talk to you again, rekindle it but maybe i am too prudent for it now. 

(school captaincy has ruined me in all the fucking ways possible. i have started to live inside a bubble when i should be doing the exact opposite. i have developed so many unhealthy habits eg: masturbation, not wearing proper clothes, unhealthy binge eating and junk eating, gaining weight, looking so ugly and jealousy, feeling petty. and i hold daksh responsible for all of it. fuck you.) 

samvith. i think when i get older the song i will resonate with you is "when did you get hot" by sabrina carpenter, my babygirl. but you were always hot but a bit fat. become a model pls. you had a crush on me. always do. maybe i will come back to you in my dreams. 

anirudh you are a good person to talk to but just stop being such a chauvinist. do well in life. 

preetam you are very intellectual. and such a damn disciplined person. i want your metabolism. 

jatin, i admire you so much for how much you have changed from that creep in third grade to an okayish fun guy now you are smart. 

ahh kirat. marry me. no do not actually, you can do better. we will never go well together. i think i kind of manifested you coming back to vizag from singapore. give me your height. you have good humour and make good jokes and you study well. 

dhruv, do not be a wife-beater. you were the guy whom i rejected and then you started treating me like shit. i hope i stop craving validation from you. you little piece of garbage. 

my first grade crush was aman. he was a champu, first ranker, i think he might be dead now. 

second grade and third grade was aryan-he was just like me-white and pretty. 

fourth grade was aryan too. 

fifth was parth who has now become fat. 

sixth grade was drum rolls please rishi!!

seventh, eight was rishi too!!

i think for a brief period in ninth grade i liked dhruv but i want to puke at the thought of that now. 

aarif. you are a handsome man. but you have issues. i am sorry for the bad stuff i said to you. 

oh that is all my brain can remember for now, but future boys, idk what will happen and it is better left at that. 

xoxo,

muskan.