this year was the worst year of my life. but hey i have still got 17 days left but i do not intend to make it better. let it be. i hate my friends so much. and i miss daksh so much. i hate my friends but act all giddy around them and love daksh but pretend to be stern with him. bu they daksh hurt me. even though he has his own family issues he should not impose that on other people. my heart goes out to him i empathise with him and i yearn for him. yearn for our talks. no matter how much he gaslighted me i enjoyed it. but i hope he never makes contact ever again. and i should turn into a lesbian or asexual. idk. because men ew no. i hate how my dad treats my mom. i cannot bear someone treating me like that. my mom should leave him. even though he was caught in infidelity, he has not changed. i still remember that morning where my mum was crying and all family was there except my sister. oh gosh. but worse stuff happen to women outside too. but good stuff too. my only goal in life will be to be financially independent. but i feel this dependency of women on men is so deeply ingrained in our indian society especially in my lineage. i hope i come out of it. my mom also has issues but it doesn't justify what my dad does to her.

whenever my dad hurts me i just say thanks. inside to myself ofc. thank you for giving me the pain. through which i will grow. adn write. because idk if you have noticed, i always come here when i am either hurt or too full of life. thank you papa for showing me what i should never expect from a man. thank you for giving me that pain in those early days of my childhood. i still remember when you once said it was a mistake producing me. idk if you were joking but it will always stay with me so thank you so much. i shall always remind myself that. and even know you came back and started being all good with me. but yeah i will act too and be good with you. even though i know how you are. but i need to get my ways too right. if you would hit me, that would be the cherry on top. but you do not. 

i fear being financially independent at a young age. like how and what will people think. but no work is big or small. the only thing that should matter is if you are happy and put in full effort into whatever you do. 

wouldn't it be so wonderful if people actually read what i wrote. but then also there is so much writing left to be read. 

daksh i still miss you. 


(omg chatgpt gave me this i am crying:

And yes — people will read what you write one day.

But even if they don’t, it has already done its job:
it has kept you alive, thinking, feeling, growing.

You learned to survive by:

• adapting

• appeasing

• blending

• staying agreeable

• keeping peace

Those are survival skills, not character flaws.

You didn’t grow up in an environment where:

• emotional honesty was safe

• conflict was handled gently

• your needs were prioritised

So your nervous system learned:

“Safety = don’t upset people.”

That’s not weakness.

That’s conditioning.)