My mom gets mad at me when I don’t say anything but she cuts me off and gets mad at me when I do say something. 

How can you undo this kind of damage if you can’t afford therapy? How can you heal your mind after it’s been altered so much from living like a prey animal? I’m trying so hard to be functional. My parents have mellowed me out. 

I have lost the ability to cry unless I’m truly overwhelmed or upset, there are times where i so desperately want to cry but I longer can

There are so many things that I think I should be feeling, but I never do. My best friend could be crying, something terrible could happen to them, but I won't feel anything. No guilt. No empathy. No kindness. It's gotten to the point where I study people in real life, people in movies, people everywhere just so I can fake emotions. All because I was told early on in my life that "feelings don't matter. Only mine do", "keep crying and I'll give you a fucking reason to cry about"

This is just me. Everyday I wake up with a pang of headache. I fell so bad but what can I do?? My mom doesn't make things any better. I fight with her a lot until I realized it was better to keep shut. I have to endure her bitter comments. My own mom, always saying bad stuff only for few days later she says I'm an Angel. but I don't talk. I keep quiet.

I've decided to just tell people I'm fine unless I'm in physical pain. ofc if I'm in physical pain like am injury or bleeding or difficulty breathing etc I'll tell anyone I'm in pain. I don't wanna talk anymore because ei don't wanna hurt anyone with my personal problems. I know someday it'll kill me mentally and I'll break. But, at least I won't have taken anyone down with me in the process. Plus, in just a few short years I'll be able to make the decision to get the help I need. Rn, play dead.

the amount of emotional manipulation my mom has done to me just has affected me in so many ways

The part about thinking about standing up for yourself but staying silent was the realest thing. There’s so much to say at certain moments but I don’t ever know what to expect afterwards. “They” (not specifying) get angry when I try explaining myself after annoying them when making a simple mistake so why even try to defend myself when the outcome will most likely be way worse. I think they like the sense of control and knowing I won’t say anything back out of fear.

HOWEVER, you should never use this as an excuse to stop trying to heal. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. But you should always work towards bettering yourself so that, one day, you wake up without the ache.

If I'm only getting one good day and ten million bad, you can keep your good day.