Read on your eighteenth birthday 31/08/2026 (if you live up to that age)

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hey! so im currently listening to ophelia by taylor swift. it is so good. the album is such a bop. it is truly true that you never like the album on the first listen lest understand its essence. 
and i have come to a conclusion. that i will always be like this. unsure, unnoticed, sad, depressed melancholic (there is beauty in that too!), belittled, always a follower and never a leader(but hey, i do not mind that too!). my friends compliment me but it hurts. strange how i always craved it but now even though it secretly validates me but then i think that is only the people-pleasing side of me. 
like i have lost the ability to cry, my favourite thing to do!!! its like no matter how depressing the situation is i am of the opinion that is forebode and i am destined for them. i think i am turning into my grandpa as well. ugh i hate writing bad stuff about people. but they truly do not mean anything to me even though they must love me so much. idk if that is true. it must be. if i am ever to cry now, i will not hide. idk what i will do after school ends. no like for real. maybe something my mom tells me. there is nothing wrong in that. hundreds of people do that. it is okay to be a failure. 
yeah i am supposed to be studying and stop worrying. 
like i am loosing my confidence day by day. it id going in the opposite end of the spectrum. i am sick of being me. but also it is a blessing to be alive. ugh i hate his paradox of myself. like i try to muster up the courage but it all dies down. 

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