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 okay so um just gotta write this down. 

you know when i was young and during fathers day we used to make cards for our dads at schools and you know what i would do? i would come home and hide them beneath the black paper in my drawer so that my mom wouldnt find it and scold me to give it to him. ugh i have such bad daddy issues. but it is his fault. 

i just want a guy to love me, hug me. i just want to know that i am worthy of love. i do not want to keep hating men. i do not. i am tired of fighting. i was in fucking fourth grade. all those scars. fuck. i do not know what i will do with my life. i saw a man in a train journaling a month ago. is family merely blood. my dad said that i was a fucking mistake and wanted to cut my legs. maybe in a jokingly way. but fuck.

i romanticise that i maybe have an instagram singing account and i go viral with my own written sad traumatic poems that i beautifully sing. and a guy falls in love with me. but i know that i am not so desperate. i want to start working out and reduce the size of my ass. can my life get more sadder. i do not know. i do not think i have it in me to love anyone let alone myself and i do not know how many times i have said that. also i am so afraid to put myself out there. i just think everybody's judging me so bad WHEN I AM ACTUALLY JUDGING THEM LOL. like i go out in some clothes and i see someone i know and i am like "omg fuck what will they think?" 

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