i am in love. 

i told him about my daddy issues, well not all but parts of it. kinda sucks that i do not have male friends here. i just do not feel like myself lately. but this has been me since the past four years. does it really get so bad. people have told me about it and rightly so. he cries for me in agood way mostly ig, emailed his prof that he has to go see his gf, got cute stuff for me, says he loves me the most. but idk what to do/say. i have just been so blurred mind. ashoka is making me feel so incompetent. menon was right in class - be careful what you wish for. did i not wish/ worked my ass off to be here? just to feel like shit at the end of every day? i think my seasonal depression is back. i wanna be like these cool girls. tall and skinny and pretty. i need to eat healthy. ugh think about the long term effects muskan.  i just love ani so much. i feel so safe with him. and loved. i love my family do not get me wrong. but i do not wanna be dumb. i used to think of myslef of so smart ughghghgh. why am i not enjoying the stuff i am learning here. is something wong with me? all i wanna do is talk to him everyday and be with him. it physically hurts me. how will i do this adulting stuff. why is every successive generation so doomed. i am so conditioned. fuck. i just want to seclude myself from everyone and go downa rabbit hole. think i have romanticised that a lil bit too hard. 

when he says i dont empathise with him. oh baby.how do i tell u that it breaks every bone in my body. i have been so empathetic my entire life and tried so hard. just cant wait to be intellectually stimualated gain. but i do not want to be conscious when i do that. that is no fun. just compulsion. you know i socred a 19/30 and a b- grade on my great books mid sem. what the fuck have i become.