safe space

can we talk about how hard it fucking hurts like last night i could not sleep and was having a non-stop crying session like that movie broke me and oh hi i am officially no longer a tenth grader i guess? because like my boards are over and i just feel so empty. i miss everyone i want to tell them how sorry i am to all the boys who were kind (but in the end creepy too) all my girlies and my teachers god i cannot comprehend the fact that i will never be studying physics. i love physics. even though i like do not score well but still. i enjoyed it. ugh chemistry too. i love love love chemistry. i will miss hindi. it was such a pleasing subject. and all the grudges i have unknowingly held i am so sorry to all those i might never see them again but i hope you know that you were a part of something that gave me immense joy and made me aware that i had seasonal depression. i will try to be good girl from now onwards. not for them. but for me. 

falling victim to my fucking mobile phone and other addictions has made me so....futile and utterly disgusting. i never wanted a phone anyways it was my mother who taught ( edit on 30.10.24-thoguht??, bitch phone made you forget your spellings or what???)it would be a good idea. well mother i now waste my time doom-scrolling and playing crappy games.  studying should be a religion for me. it was. it is.  i love studying. i could make a living out of it. i could. i know i could.  learning and testing my ability is what enlightens my soul and i love it. i never want to forget being who i was or what i was.  or especially, what i am known for. because i am just so perfect. 

what the actual fuck i think this has been the perfect time to ever write something, especially as a teenager because damn i am not feeling myself these days and i am not liking the person to whom i am evolving too, too much excessive eating, too much time on social media oh and my new phone i think that my new is phone is the root of all my miseries. it is true. all of the essays i have written till date have been leading me up to this. yes. and to study ughhh i just cannot i do not know why. i have four days left and i will be back and writing about all of them but i hope i do not survive. i do not know what i am writing at this point, to probably cringe at this stuff later and puke but it is okay just remember the feeling of warmth and love in his arms:))

babe, you made a boy cry. or at least that's what the other boy told you so be fucking proud of yourself.  make 'em pay queen.  and you know what get something good out of this because all this damage that has been caused to you cannot be lost in vain make something good come out of it without affecting your mental health.  love and blessings, your worst critic. 

i know that nobody really here is there to have your back and probably no one ever will be i think i am one of those persons who will always be alone no matter what and there might be people coming and going out of my life, i know i will try to hold on to them maybe even force them to have me by their back and get close to them, help them, show empathy, drain all my energy on them, cry because of them because i really do i really do care. and then in a snap of a finger, they will be out and non-existent and none of this will ever even matter but just in that moment it feels like no matter how many bad days you have had and will have you hope for that one single good day but babe let me remind you that they are gonna get you nothing, you need to find happiness from within yourself, from your actions, your thoughts. overthinking and creating a godly image of someone person will not stop them from treating you like shit. so babe know your worth because they dont. they never will. and nobo...

i have in life beauty, money and healthy relationships 

  dying to take a trip completely and totally spontaneously. i want to grab my tattered backpack, shove my favorite book in it, scrounge up whatever savings i have left, and just ride a train across all of Europe, stresses and everyday responsibilities be damned. i want a night that kaleidoscopes with seeing the Louvre for the first time and exploring the Catacombs of Paris until the soles of my shoes have worn thin. i want to just leave.