safe space

dying young is underrated 

Hi. It's 11:49 pm currently. There something weirdly satisfying about time when it's odd. Haha pun was so not intended. I just had this intense desire to write, write something on paper, but it was tarnished by my relinquishing overthinking and my anxiety. That would feel good though. Anyways this newfound desire to write feel so seclusive. But I know it's for the better. And I am glad you took this step.  You're precocious babe. You are. You weren't always but circumstances made you. And I'll forever be grateful for them.  You sister is a futile teenager. Don't let her words get to you, or for that matter, anyone's thoughts ( your own thoughts)about you get to you. You know what's the thought that had been hovering over this sixteen year old girl's mind—that she'll never be able to sustain success. If she continues her posture, her attitude, the people whom she surrounds herself with and especially if she doesn't learn to control her tho...

sixteen, you better be sweet. 

i am a student at yale university. 

i am such an interesting person. people can never get enough of me. i am always surrounded by love and prosperity. everybody loves and adores me. i am the epitome of communication abilities. i never make a grammatical error. everybody is mesmerised by the way i speak. i am surrounded by people whom i like and admire and aspire to become. all my friends uplift me and motivate me. ii love my friends. my friends love me. i study at yale. yale is my dream university and since all my dreams always come true this is also true. it is so easy for me to manifest. i am ethereally beautiful. people admire me and love me. people can never take their eyes off me. i am confident embodied. people are always in awe of me. i have the best and the highest grades. i attract money and wealth by simply being. i am confident and thin. i speak equivocally. i am the best. i am a supermodel. 

heyyy bitch so eleventh grade has been so so terrible and idk what to expect. I feel like I am losing the old me, losing her charm, her zeal for life? I mean I was pretty depressed back then too but now it's showing and it's sad.  But it's okay. Everybody who goes up has to eventually come down. sooner or later.  And for me it has always been sooner. I can never even fully enjoy the happiness in the moment because i am so ruled over by my imposter syndrome. As soon as something nice happens, I always feel like I dont deserve it. Which is so so sad. But you know what we are done with self-pity. But what else do I have left, my obsessive, compulsive, pathological day dreams? They are fucking unhealthy for you muskan. So fucking unhealthy. And all these people in your life are also horrible.  Mom, dad, oh got don't get me started on daddy issues, hurts me so much, i don't wanna be like my dad l, I am not my dad, I am not.   I hate to say this and I won't because th...

 PART TWO: REJUVENATING THE PAST SUMMER  BOARDS! BOARDS! BOARDS! finally the sword was uplifted and I was done with it all. the two years filled with academic stress, incompatible friendships, petty misunderstandings and lo and behold my overthinking. jk i was not done with it all but I was overwhelmed, didn't know what to feel or expect anymore. no new tests to look forward too.  The last exam was hindi and as soon as i handed over my paper i forced myself to cry because i had truly survived, i had prevailed alas. it rained. stepping out of the chapel and running towards my backpack to get my white t-shirt and i felt a droplet but it was so engulfed by all the satisfaction that i did not tend to it. we did the signing on our t-shirts, took some pics and i just tried to deluge myself with all the emotions cause I knew I would not be experiencing them again and this was it. it was a friend's birthday that day. so i rushed home and told the happy news to maa and hurried to ...