safe space

i am in love.  i told him about my daddy issues, well not all but parts of it. kinda sucks that i do not have male friends here. i just do not feel like myself lately. but this has been me since the past four years. does it really get so bad. people have told me about it and rightly so. he cries for me in agood way mostly ig, emailed his prof that he has to go see his gf, got cute stuff for me, says he loves me the most. but idk what to do/say. i have just been so blurred mind. ashoka is making me feel so incompetent. menon was right in class - be careful what you wish for. did i not wish/ worked my ass off to be here? just to feel like shit at the end of every day? i think my seasonal depression is back. i wanna be like these cool girls. tall and skinny and pretty. i need to eat healthy. ugh think about the long term effects muskan.  i just love ani so much. i feel so safe with him. and loved. i love my family do not get me wrong. but i do not wanna be dumb. i used to think o...

writing after two months.  and a heckling one, hehe omg muskan you are FINALLY AT ASHOKA!! the uni you dreamt of, prayed for and cried about. and lol you are crying here as well but that it totally normal. you would suffer anywhere becuase of your imposter syndrome, your underconfidence, your moodines and just becuase of you babe. i wanna learn acting, and pursue modelling. and that requires AUDACITY, which i have developed in such a way that i can sustain it. I have make a mask where i can hide and slowly with time almost flush my underconfident self. i speak more eloquently and make sense of what i am speaking. i want to stop being so damn tired all the time. i literally never fall sick or get cold or fever or anything. i make friends so easily and talk to all people. BUT UGH MUSKAN PLS STOP OVERSHARING AND DO NOT TRUST PPL AND ALSO DONT SPEAK SO MUCH, I KNOW YOU DONT AND WILL NOT. i have so many guy friends and they are all so smart and they like me. i am the president of the ai...

dear daksh,  i am starting this new series named 'dear dakh' entries where i will be addressing my daily life and its affairs. i do not want it to be mechanical oh lord. and this i am doing it inspired by myself, actually. reading through my old journals reminds me of how naive and good i was. and i wanna be her so bad. i could fall asleep to my writing.  contrary to what i wrote in my first stanza, i want to state that i might not write about my everyday life. i will just write something for the sake of writing. cause writing is fun and i want to pursue it. speaking of writing, reading,  i wanna get back to reading so damn bad!!!!! ugh i literally cannot get myself to read anything. from lusty wattpad to yuval's literature. i just cannot. but i desperately want to. because reading keeps me sane.  daksh i have been thinking about you during my vulnerable episodes. not too late before you are replaced by someone else lol(no negative energy lol). also why am i so damn ...

dear daksh,  why do boys have such an implausible hold on me? i presume that it is because of my age. and it should be! but i am not afraid of it. i accept it. it is fine. but the only thing is that i have to keep learning from my past mistakes. cause what are past mistakes? they are just new information.  especially i do not want to repeat it in university. in university, i am the girl that everyone admires and looks up to. i love being occupied and i always top the dean's list in every semester. ashoka university, my university has also been so generous to provide me with 100% scholarship. i am so happy. and grateful.  and that is why i am going to set healthy habits for me now onwards. after 4 my schedule is fix. before that i have to curate something.  alright byee! i am a supermodel and always get the best and the highest grades. 

i feel so ashamed and embarrassed. like am i the ashokan fit?  oh so i did get in to ashoka. want it to feel like a fever dream but it doesn't. just makes me feel unworthy and doubt my abilities if i would be able to fit in with those cool kids. lololol.  um i really want to feel ok but my indecision making capabilities are getting the better of me. 

 okay so um just gotta write this down.  you know when i was young and during fathers day we used to make cards for our dads at schools and you know what i would do? i would come home and hide them beneath the black paper in my drawer so that my mom wouldnt find it and scold me to give it to him. ugh i have such bad daddy issues. but it is his fault.  i just want a guy to love me, hug me. i just want to know that i am worthy of love. i do not want to keep hating men. i do not. i am tired of fighting. i was in fucking fourth grade. all those scars. fuck. i do not know what i will do with my life. i saw a man in a train journaling a month ago. is family merely blood. my dad said that i was a fucking mistake and wanted to cut my legs. maybe in a jokingly way. but fuck. i romanticise that i maybe have an instagram singing account and i go viral with my own written sad traumatic poems that i beautifully sing. and a guy falls in love with me. but i know that i am not so despera...

dear diary, hi. so um i wen tout with my friends today and even though i never almost enjoy it atleast i get out of house so it is a win-win.  um i think i will never have that kind of fun life, be that fun person, have a good bf, so gear up for a story which i will write. so rishi and me started dating. he is so cute and respectful and i love him. me, him, mahee and her bf go on double dates and oh boy, i love us! i feel like i am the one who makes and the plans and the life of the group and it feels good to be that, because i have never been that. me and rishi went on a beach walk today. i like him. i feel protected and safe. he said that i am a wasted potential. idk if i agree or disagree with him. anirudh has shown his true colours. i am not going to talk to him and starve myself. i have to start working out.  i think i will always just be another girl on the subway. the one who is giggling but so damn lonely. ugh cant blame them too can i?  

um hi. so my boards are going on currently but i think this is the kinda the right time to write something. i want to talk to someone really bad. i feel so low. i heard this saying by alysa liu she said that she is connected to people but not attached and i want to be like that too. um it is okay i fucked up today's paper ugh okay um but like also how much will we struggle when we go out and actually search for jobs and like MARKS WILL NOT FUCKING MATTER lol. 

anirudh i hate what you are doing to me. i have my boards in less than a week and i already have the best and the highest grades. i scored ninety-eight percent in my class 12 ISC board examinations woohoo. 

ah for the first time in my life I felt proud of my dad today! and maybe the last. i hope so. because i despise men. but i wanna change my attitude also why is my class teacher such a b-word? 

daksh, hey. umm i have got 10 days left in this year well a week exactly before i leave and i want to make the very most of it. today i went down an internet rabbit-hole and stalked your dad. hm. he has might i say, quite a few cases on him or something like that. i hope you are doing okay saw that you changed your whatsapp dp, well kept a new one. andd so yeah you must be doing well only. what about me? well i gotta study and not get distracted especially by you which i do not but when i do, you eat me up. i am tryna hold back the power. i am tryna act very well and i think i am doing a pretty decent job. okay bye i shall go and study accounts now. 

Say this (even silently): “I am pretending to survive, not pretending because I am fake.”   Rules for the mask: Be pleasant, not ecstatic Be polite, not emotionally available Be functional, not vulnerable You don’t need to: overshare joke excessively perform giddiness   Goal: avoid conflict, conserve energy. Rules for the real self: You must have at least one private outlet where you don’t pretend: writing chatgpt night-dreaming 

growing in circles is such a huge part of growing up truly. 

this year was the worst year of my life. but hey i have still got 17 days left but i do not intend to make it better. let it be. i hate my friends so much. and i miss daksh so much. i hate my friends but act all giddy around them and love daksh but pretend to be stern with him. bu they daksh hurt me. even though he has his own family issues he should not impose that on other people. my heart goes out to him i empathise with him and i yearn for him. yearn for our talks. no matter how much he gaslighted me i enjoyed it. but i hope he never makes contact ever again. and i should turn into a lesbian or asexual. idk. because men ew no. i hate how my dad treats my mom. i cannot bear someone treating me like that. my mom should leave him. even though he was caught in infidelity, he has not changed. i still remember that morning where my mum was crying and all family was there except my sister. oh gosh. but worse stuff happen to women outside too. but good stuff too. my only goal in life will ...

dear daksh, thank you for reminding me again how you are and will always be. my little petty heart will fall for anybody bu tysm! i hate you. you're like my dad in few ways. i think it is the same thing with all men. i hate them all. i hope i can do enough in life to live without them. yes that will be my goal 

MUSKAN PLEASE REMEMBER WHAT MOM TOLD YOU TODAY EXACTLY AT 10:26a.m., MOMENTS BEFORE YOUR CLAT EXAM AND TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF. I WILL LITERALLY COMMIT SU*CIDE IF I DO NOT DO IT.  BYE. 

i hate my family so much. so now let us get to the point. if you want to escape this which you have to unless you are killing yourself, so you have to study and study well. and i do not see you doing that for tomorrow's exam. ugh i am again diverting from what i wanted to write.  PLEASE STOP FALLING BACK TO YOUR UNHEALTHY HABITS AFTER YOUR EXAMS. PLS DONT. IT IS RUINING YOU MUSKAN. IT IS RUINING YOUR SENSE OF SELF. AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT. THOSE ARE SUCH BAD HABITS I AM UTTERLY REPELLED TO NAME THEM TOO.  but if you take one day at a time you will prevail. and you always get the best and the highest grades and you already have them. so get back to studying because you are a successful supermodel.  edit: also please remember what your mom told you today so, take it upon yourself and prove her wrong.  omg i have never been like this. 

this lil place makes me feel so much! and i am so grateful for myself to have created this space for me. i am trying to be more present and write down my thoughts as they occur. in small sentences.  but i opened my blog today because i am angry and disappointed in you muskan. you had two frickin' days to prepare for your eco exam but you did not. and you are cramming at 6:52 pm. i feel i am wasting my time writing this, but hey! you've already wasted so much. but no get back to studying because studying will get you places. people-pleasing will only deteriorate your health. i always get the best and the highest grades in each and every exam that i write. and so will i tomorrow. i already have the best and the highest grades in all the exams. i even got into iim bangalore ug data science course and am thriving over there. i love life. 

dear daksh, how are you? i miss you sm. why is it that i always think of you in situations like these. maybe because i wasn't as open and as vulnerable i was with you than anyone else. and you took advantage of it. i heard you are in hyderabad. you are very unhealthy for me and that is why i will never ever speak to you again. i am becoming prettier day by day. today school was shitty and the boys made me cry haha. i wish you were there tho. i want you to be only mine. if you only cared about me, were obsessed with me, showed your care, were a good person, your wealth would just be an added bonus! i would've loved those longggg rides ahhh. i would've lied to my mom for you. kiss you. make out. just cause we are young. even though you have white hair. but i would never marry you. cause your genes. no. i hate that that i cannot get myself to hate you let alone anyone.  you made me feel special and small at the same time. i hate that i miss you, even when i swear i don’t. ...

i feel deeply, love foolishly, break quietly, and rebuild secretly